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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811528">life's not a paragraph (and death i think is no parenthesis)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/flustraaa/pseuds/flustraaa'>flustraaa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV), Criminal Minds RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angry JJ Jareau, Angry Spencer Reid, Angst/Fluff, Anxiety, Anxious Spencer Reid, Crying Spencer Reid, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally hurt Spencer Reid, Gen, Hurt Spencer Reid, OCD, Panic Attacks, Sad Henry LaMontagne, Sad JJ Jareau, Sad Spencer Reid, Soft Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Fluff, Spencer Reid has anxiety, Spencer Reid has depression, Spencer Reid has ocd, TW:, Upset Spencer Reid, and too many feelings yuck, mentions of opiate abuse, some comfort i guess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:02:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/flustraaa/pseuds/flustraaa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“i don’t know how to pretend that i can breathe when spencer hates me,” jj’s voice is barely above a whisper, rasping as tears threaten to fall over her lash line. </p><p>instead of offering peace like she’d expected, morgan simply says, “how do you think he held it together when he found out that you were lying to him for ten weeks? take that feeling, and bottle it, just like he did when he thought his best friend was dead.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau &amp; Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid &amp; Aaron Hotchner, Spencer Reid &amp; David Rossi, Spencer Reid &amp; Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid &amp; Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid &amp; Henry LaMontagne, Spencer Reid &amp; Penelope Garcia, Spencer Reid &amp; Will LaMontagne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>411</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi my loves, i don’t normally do this but i would just like to preface a little bit, please read this:</p><p>first of all, i know that not all experiences with mental illness are the same, and if this isn’t quite how you pictured Spencer dealing with his, i’m sorry. i wrote based off of my own experiences, as those are how i know how to write the most accurately. i also kind of resonate with spencer in a lot of childhood trauma that we won’t touch rn, but i just want to make sure no one yells at me (haha it’s happened before) because they don’t like the way spencer reacts to things. </p><p>secondly, some of you who read the misophonia fic said that it helped with you feel less alone with your anxiety, and i want you to know that if you ever need someone to listen you can find me on tumblr @linguinereid, and you can tell me about everything and i’ll help you as best as i can, even if you just need someone to listen. </p><p>alright, that being said, let’s get on with this mess.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s ten at night when there’s a soft knock on the door, and Will just sends JJ a sad look. He presses a soft kiss to his girlfriend’s temple, disappearing to unlock the door. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She can hear Spencer from the kitchen. In her head she can clearly picture him untying and retying his shoes until it feels right, as he sits on the floor of their foyer. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer has never explicitly talked to any of them about his mental health, never told her about his anxiety, his OCD, his depression— none of it, but she’d a terrible profiler not o catch the signs, and and even worse <em>friend</em> to not want to help in any way she could. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He shuffles into the the kitchen, mismatched socks hitting the wood floor as Will gently runs three soothing circles into Spencer’s shoulder, knowing as both JJ’s boyfriend, and now one of Spencer’s friends what helps the young doctor settle.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">JJ sets out a glass of cold water, knowing he’s hypersensitive at the moment, and needs a sensation to focus on. He breaths out a shaky breath, and for the first time that night she catches a glance of his face. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, Spence,” She gasps, she walks around, taking his face in her hands, wiping the almost dry tear tracks, “What happened?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He opens his mouth, but falters. His eyebrows furrow first, mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish, and finally he just gives up, lowering his gaze to the floor. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Every bone in her body tells her that she needs to put an end to this suffering, but the part of her that is loyal to her job, to Hotch— to Emily, knows what’s happening is the only right way to grieve. Dead or alive, Emily was never coming back and they needed to mourn the loss of a friend. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer doesn’t realise they’ve moved, but when he comes back to reality he’s sitting on the couch and JJ is waiting for him to say something— <em>anything</em>. When he doesn’t, she tries her own hand. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Did you go to your appointment? That’s why you were late to work, right?” Reid only nods, and she pulls him into the crook of her neck. He melts completely, falling back into a chorus of sobs, “<em>oh, I know. I’m so sorry</em>.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And she is sorry, for what she can’t tell him and for the pain he’s feeling because of it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s not until some time has passed, and his sobs have faded into occasional hiccups, that he finally manages to open up. He’s laying on her lap, tightly curled up, his arms are crossed over his chest. She’s since covered him with a blanket, and he’s taking <em>mostly</em> calmed breaths. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“At my appointment,” he mutters slowly, voice cracking from the tears and lack of use, “Doctor Claude told me that he thinks that it’d be best for me to get a prescription for Xanax, and that if I did so, I’d need to switch the antidepressants I’ve been on for years.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The hand that stroked his hair stutters, but soon continues. He doesn’t seem to notice. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Xanax?” She finds herself asking, “is that—“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Addictive? Yeah, incredibly. But I only take a half gram when my panic attacks are longer than thirty minutes, or when I’m scared that I’m going to pass out— even though it’s kind of hard to do so— at least from a blood pressure standpoint.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Have you?” She blurts, “Passed out?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Uh, twice— last week. I was alone and I think I just stopped breathing. That’s why I scheduled the appointment in the first place. It’s fine though, I’m already sitting on the floor when it happens so I don’t hurt myself— it’s just— <em>really</em> disorientating when I wake up.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Can I ask what you’re taking?” She murmurs, repeatedly tucking and playing with the awry strands of hair on his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If you don’t tell Hotch that I’m basically a drug cartel,” He croaks, closing his eyes, “all together, I’m on an antidepressant, a beta-blocker, and insomnia medication. The doctor kind of wants me to see if this new one works as well as my other prescription, and if it doesn’t I don’t know what he’s going to do because the Xanax stopped me from passing out earlier.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“<em>Earlier</em>?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Reid just nods, eyes still shut, “That’s why I was late. It’s also part of the reason I had to keep untying and retying my shoe. Will’s probably going to tell you about that. I don’t blame you for it.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What do you mean, Spence?” She breathes. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know you guys talk about me sometimes, you get quiet when you come downstairs and see me— especially when I roll over. It’s okay, I’ve always know that I wasn’t normal—“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No,” JJ says, and Reid finally opens his eyes to look at her. Her heart breaks at the pain in them. “We’re worried about you. Nothing you could ever do would warrant us talking about what you need to do to feel calm. I love you so much, Will does, Henry does— the team does.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know,” Reid states after a long moment, “sometimes it’s just hard to hear through the panic.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She doesn’t know what to respond with at first, and by time she does Spencer is either pretending to be, or is fully asleep on her lap. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She assumes the latter because she can hear the telltale signs of a relaxed pallet from the medicine he’d taken with his panic attack, and while her heart hurts at the sight of him so broken; she’s glad he’s getting some rest. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She just slips out from under him, resting his head on Mr. Whale, and tucking him in a little tighter. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When she enters her and Will’s bedroom, she slowly peels back the covers and climbs in. Will rolls to face her, groggy with sleep but eyes clear as he asks, “are you going to tell him?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You know that I can’t,” She whispers back. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“JJ,” he murmurs, “you told <em>me</em> about it— and this is <em>killing</em> him. I don’t have to know him as well as you do to know that.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He’ll be fine.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Or at least that’s what she tells herself. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She wakes up at seven in the morning to the sound of Henry’s feet padding against the ground. She realises quickly that he must’ve seen Spencer’s car parked in the drive from his bedroom window, she starts to get up but finds that Will is wrapped around her, waist held firmly down by his arm. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Spencer could use some time with Henry,” Will whispers softly, nuzzling against her neck, “I know it helps me when I’m upset. Henry could use some Spencer time too.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re right,” She murmurs, settling back down with a sigh, “you’re right.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And when they hear Henry’s giggles, Will just whispers, “see, they’re fine.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Henry on the other hand, once making it down the stairs looks for Spencer everywhere, a grin on his lips. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then he sees a head of hair that looks a lot like the recently cropped style of his uncle, and he runs to him. He skids to a stop just before the couch, tip toeing, and if any of the adults had seen it, they’d be laughing at the seriousness on his tiny features. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Henry jumps on Spencer at once, and the older man lets out a huff, opening his eyes and rolling onto his back. He shifts Henry so he’s sitting upright on Reid’s stomach. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Uncle Pens,” Henry says, and it’s muddled a bit, but Spencer understands, “you were <em>snorin</em>’.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer can see that Henry notices something’s off, and he quickly buries all of his emotions, distracting his godson. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, was I?” He scratches a few fingers against Henry’s sides, and the young boy howls with laughter, “Maybe <em>you</em> were snoring.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer has learned that when it comes to children, sometimes you just have to abandon all logic. It was really hard at first, but it’s slowly become easier— and he assumes that that’s how it’ll be with Emily.<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Sometimes, it’s just hard to remember that when he’s craving the drug he’d spent weeks going through withdrawal for, almost five years ago.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, it was like—“ Henry drawls, breaking off his words to draw in quiet snores through his nose. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It wasn’t like a piggy?” Spencer asks, before mimicking a pigs snorts. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“<em>No</em>, Uncle Pens!” Henry scolds, and starts giggling when Spencer tickles his sides again, “not a piggy!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Do you know why piggies snort?” Spencer asks, knowing full and well Henry doesn’t. He hopes he doesn’t have to pretend like Henry’s right when he tells him an inherently wrong answer. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Henry though, ever curious, shakes his head, bouncing up and down on Spencer’s stomach making him struggle for air for a moment at the force against his abdomen, “Tell me!” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Their snorts are more like grunts, and they do it to tell the farmers how happy they are,” Reid says softly, “it’s kind of like when your mommy gives you strawberries, and you say ‘<em>mmm</em>’, you’re letting her know you like them.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Henry nods, eyes wide as he takes in the information, muttering a soft, “<em>whoa</em>.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer just sends him a little grin, ruffling the young boys hair. Without warning, Henry falls flat against Spencer, wrapping his arms around his godfather’s neck with ease. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What’re you doing, Hen?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hugs,” Henry replies simply, “mommy says when someone’s sad you should hug them.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer’s eyebrows furrow, slowly wrapping around Henry, “I’m <em>not</em> sad, buddy.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Henry hesitates, and Spencer knows he doesn’t believe him, but instead of defaulting to his urge to tell Spencer why he thinks he’s sad, he simply says, “I like cuddles.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and who is Spencer to deny his godson cuddles? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, bud,” Spencer whispers, rolling them both onto the sides and wrapping part of his blanket around Henry, and allowing the little one to use his upper arm as a pillow. “Do you wanna watch that dinosaur show we were watching last time?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Henry nods, and Spencer reaches for the remote, scrolling through JJ and Will’s recordings before landing on the right one. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They still have over two hours left on the documentary, and between the feeling of Henry pressed against him, and the exhaustion that lingers from the night before, Spencer nods off once more. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I like the— <em>oh,</em>” his voice lowers to a whisper when he turns to see Spencer asleep behind him. There’s no snores this time, and Henry just mumbles to himself, “you’re <em>not</em> like a piggy, Uncle Pens.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">JJ lets out a huff, glancing at Will, who cracks his eyes open, “do you need to go check on them?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I haven’t heard anything, I just—“ she sighs, and Will lifts his arm allowing her out of his grip.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Go check on your boys,” He murmurs, pressing a kiss to her temple as he pushes himself up, “I’ll get dressed and get breakfast started.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thank you,” she whispers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He just sends her a warm smile, and she heads down the stairs letting out a relieved breath when she sees they’re just watching that dinosaur documentary they started before this whole mess had unraveled.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She comes around, opening her mouth to ask if they want their eggs scrambled or sunny side up when she stops, taking in the sight before her.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer is pressed against the back of the couch, laying on his side, out like a light. Henry lies pressed against him, thumb in his mouth and resting against Spencer’s outstretched arm. The part of Spencer’s arm that Henry’s not laying on dangles limply off the edge of the couch.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Her heart aches at the frown that seems to perpetually rest on Spencer’s face as of late. <em>He’s beginning to look like Hotch, </em>she thinks distantly, <em>never happy.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She reaches out, ready to tell him that Emily is alive and under Witness Protection in Paris.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But she thinks better, she knows they’ll never be the same. Instead, she just brushes the hair from Spencer’s face, and presses a kiss to her little one’s head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She walks away, knowing Spencer has always preferred scrambled eggs anyway. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And she lives with her decision until a little more than five months later, when Emily walks into the briefing room. She watches Spencer’s eyes move from Hotch, who’d given the news, to JJ. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The betrayal is evident in his eyes, and just as quickly as he’d made eye contact, he pulls away focusing on the wall between both of them as he processes the information.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">JJ finds herself worried he’s completely gone into shock, until he blurts, voice cracking minutely, “We <em>buried</em> her.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No one else seems to notice over their own grief, but the Spencer who he’s slowly managed to get away from in the five months he’d stopped coming returns, his mouth open and eyes portraying just how detached he is from reality.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She sees the shake of his hands, and the repetitive running of his index finger against the pad of his thumb that no one else does.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">If he doesn’t see Emily soon— if something doesn’t pull him out of his thoughts he’s going to have a full force breakdown. His breaths are just starting to rasp right as her prayers are answered.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He turns around, seeing Emily standing in the doorway. He stares for a long moment, and then has to force himself to break his eyes away staring at the floor. Eventually, he rises to his feet, hugging her after Penelope has broken away.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">JJ watches as he hugs Emily with the hug she has internally deemed his desperation hug. Soemthing shifts in Emily’s eyes, and JJ knows that she can feel his body shaking against her. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He can hide it from sight, but he can’t hide it from being felt. JJ catches Spencer’s eyes as he pulls away, and it’s in that moment that she knows their dynamics will never, <em>ever</em> be the same again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’s angry, he’s hurt, and he’s never going to look at her the same.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And suddenly, her job doesn’t feel as important as Reid. If it didn’t take her <em>own</em> heart aching to realise that. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">For weeks, it’s almost complete radio silence. He doesn’t take his key back, but there’s fine line thats been drawn that says ‘<em>come near my apartment and I’ll move’.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It hurts to breathe knowing that she finally pushed him too far. She was following orders, but she knows somewhere deep down that it’s not fair for her to say that. She can’t blame Hotch for this, not when she told Will, and left Spencer in the dark.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’s more hostile to her than he’s ever been, perhaps even more so than he was to Emily when he was on Dilaudid.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She thinks after the mission they’ll be fine, he seems to be willing to work with them as if nothing had happened.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But then, little things between rescuing Declan and testifying in the court start to go awry. Derek, Spencer, and Penelope will be talking in easy tones over coffee— but then JJ will walk in and send them a warm smile, and Reid will completely pull back from the conversation.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">After Derek and Penelope have forgiven her, he’ll even go as far as getting another coffee when they let JJ join the conversation.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">After a month, the Bureau catches wind of the situation and suspends them. They tell them that the BAU’s unapproved mission for Declan goes against the government and that they have six months to provide evidence on why they shouldn’t be terminated immediately.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Hotch calls her later that week and tells her that the deadline to request reinstatement into the unit has been closed— and then, he tells her that Reid is the only one who has refused file a form.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s then that she realises that while her heart may ache over Spencer being mad at her, he was the one who had been manipulated, dragged into another mess that he hadn’t signed up for, and now he had lost his job. Despite it all, she’s still mad at him for abandoning her and her stomach rolls at the loss of a <em>second</em> friend.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They go through the trial, and it’s there that she realises very quickly that she is not the only one he’s mad at. He actively avoids everyone but Penelope and Derek.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He comes out of his statement, and JJ rises to her feet, expecting him to be shaken and blanched of all colour. Instead, for the first time in seven months, he looks her dead in the eyes and there’s a quiet fire that burns behind his irises.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It says, clear as day, ‘<em>You will never see me vulnerable again.’</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And she believes him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When they’re rounded back up for the final verdict, she keeps sending glances in his direction, hoping to catch his eyes, but he’s always staring straight forward.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She can’t explain her feelings as anything other than pure mortification. Spencer has one ankle slung lackadaisically over his knee, slumped casually in his chair as he looks at the board of directors. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When they’re told that their requests for reinstatement will be approved, she looks desperately at Spencer, begging him to say he’d made a mistake and wants to be admitted to return to the unit.<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He never does.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Even after Emily returns, and they find out that their team isn’t going to be disassembled, Spencer just seems to disappear again. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Another week passes, and another case happens and JJ has finally gotten Spencer to look at her.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Except, he only acknowledges her in harsh comments under his breath, glares, and to eventually spills over as a fight in the briefing room, in Oklahoma.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She finds herself wishing that she could take back the last year. On the flight back, she wakes up to Reid and Prentiss talking, and she’s sure she’s never going to get him back. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That night, she lays in bed with Will fast asleep, Henry nuzzled between them as awake as she is.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Mommy?” He whispers, “Is Uncle Pens okay?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The question knocks the air out of JJ’s lungs, “<em>Of course</em>, sweetheart, why are you asking?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I haven’t seen him in <em>forever</em>,” He whispers, voice filled with despair. “I miss him, Mommy.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, <em>Hen</em>,” She coos, pulling him close and kissing his forehead, “I miss him too.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Something shifts when he shows up at Rossi’s. He looks at her this time, and there’s no longer any residual anger</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But what replaces it when the other’s aren’t looking is the straw that breaks the camels back. It’s when the others are entrapped in watching a heated discussion between Hotch and Rossi about what type of cheese is better in a classic Alfredo, that she pulls him away.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He doesn’t meet her eyes, and he’s still holding a completely full wine glass. He traces the rim with his fingers, and refuses to look up when she calls out to him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Spence,” she breathes, “why are you <em>here</em>?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“My emotions do not influence my ability to do my job,” He states simply, and she’d be utterly tone deaf to ignore the subtle jab at both her and Emily. “<em>You</em> understand that, right?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><em>Okay</em>, she thinks, <em>so maybe he is still angry. </em>He brings himself to glance up at her for a minute, and when she doesn’t say anything, he rolls his eyes, starting to walk away. She catches him by the bicep, and he huffs out a sigh, looking at her. His face reads, ‘<em>get on with it.’</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re still upset with me, okay, <em>fine</em>,” she says, and he stares blankly at her, confirming that he is in fact still incredibly upset with her, “but Henry doesn’t understand what’s going on. He doesn’t understand why you don’t come over anymore.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Jennifer, I swear to God if you pull the ‘<em>you’re just like your father card</em>’ I will resign from the BAU,” he narrows his eyes, and she knows she has to choose her next words incredibly carefully.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, no,” she mutters, “this is coming out wrong. I just— it’s okay that you’re mad at me, but don’t let that put a strain on your relationship with Henry.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He stares at her for a long time, and eventually ends up glancing away licking his lips and pursing them as he thinks about his next move.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re right,” he finally states, “I am still livid with you— <em>all</em> of you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That all you got from that?” She asks suddenly, and he shoots her and unamused look.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“<em>Jennifer</em>, you’re on thin ice, do you really want to critique me right <em>now</em>?” He inquirers, shamelessly, “but you’re right, I do love Henry. He can come over any time, but you’re lying to yourself if you think I’m just going to sweep this under the rug. You lied to me for months. I told you things about me that I’ve never told anyone, and you didn’t have the decency to bring it up, not even after you told Will.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Her jaw drops, “Did he—“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, and I would not recommend picking a fight with one of the <em>few people </em>who aren’t mad at you right now,” Spencer snaps, “He let it slip around Derek, and Derek told me, like <em>someone</em> should’ve before this happened. We would’ve been fine if you had just told me the truth.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s not that <em>simple</em>—</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I can’t imagine it was easy to watch me cry myself to sleep on your couch every night for two and a half months,” Spencer hisses, clearly trying to hide the way his voice cracks, “or maybe it <em>was</em>.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">“No,” JJ shakes her head, years threatening to spill over, “I wanted to tell you so many times. Watching you fall apart is the hardest thing I’ve <em>ever</em> had to witness.”</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s just hard to believe you when you lied to me for so long. Excuse me,” He brushes past her, and this time, she lets him go. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Exactly a week later, JJ is fussing over Henry as Will gets ready to take him to Spencer’s house for the day. Spencer agrees that if he needs anything, he’ll call, and he’ll respond to her texts as soon as he gets them.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She sits in the passenger seat of the car, and from their spot on the street, she can see the window of Spencer’s apartment. She can see him, he’s sitting in the middle of his couch, focused on a book in his hands— lost in it completely.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She wonders if he even realises Henry is on his way up with Will. She sees the exact moment that the doorbell rings, because Spencer puts the book down immediately, walking out of sight. </span>
</p><p class="p2">He’s gone for a few moments, and JJ is sure Will is just reiterating the details and answering questions for Spencer.</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">What surprises her though, is that once Will is in the car, Spencer comes into views with a toothy smile on his face and a very giggly Henry on his hip. He points at their car, whispering something in Henry’s ear and they both start waving.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s in that moment, as she sees the smile that’s been gone for almost a year that she breaks down. They barely make it out of view before Will pulls over, and he lets her clamber onto his lap in the driver seat to cry.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s then that she realises, she has no one to blame but <em>herself</em>. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She tells herself not to worry the first three times that her call goes through to voicemail, and her texts are unanswered. The fourth time, Will gives her the green light to go make sure everything is okay and she doesn’t hesitate to get in her car.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She speeds to Reid’s house, calling him another fourteen times along the way. The blinds are closed and she can’t see anything. It takes her less than five minutes to bypass the desk manager, and the pin pad lock. After that, she makes her way to his apartment, stopping in front of number twenty three.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Inside, she can hear the familiar sounds of Ratatouille echoing through Spencer’s apartment and she allows herself to breathe when she finds the door is still locked. Significantly more calm, she pulls out the spare key that Spencer gave her years ago and opens the door.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She barely makes it past the threshold. After closing and locking the door behind her, she turns to be greeted with a sight that’s so familiar it makes her heart ache with warmth.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer is out like a light, pressed against the back of his couch. His right hand is shoved between his curled up knees, his left bicep a pillow for Henry’s little head. Henry’s sippy cup— half full with apple juice, is dropped to the floor, his mouth wide open as he snores on Spencer’s arm.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She kick her heels to the side, careful not to wake them— though she doubts they would stir with the noise considering Reid probably slept through all of her calls anyway. </span>
</p><p class="p2">She inches closer and finds that Reid has covered Henry in a fluffy blanket with trains on it; one that he keeps across the back of his couch for whenever Henry comes over. His own blanket, a soft purple one has been kicked down. Judging from its lopsidedness, it’s more likely than not from Henry’s earlier restlessness.</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She sweeps the blanket up slowly, covering his shoulders and he doesn’t so much as stir, not even a flutter of his eyelids comes from the touch.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Eventually, she catches a glimpse of Spencer’s phone. It lies discarded on the arm chair, a few finished drawings beside it. Crayons and colouring books litter Spencer’s coffee table.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She checks it, only to find that all eighteen missed calls and five texts are on display— quickly realising they must’ve fallen asleep after Spencer had texted her that Henry had eaten half of a peanut butter and jelly and some grapes for dinner.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It only takes one more glance at the two boys to know that she can’t bring herself to wake them up from their sleep. Waking Henry up would only serve to make him grumpy and unable to fall asleep once they got him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">In a split second decision, she decides to let him stay the night— or at least until Spencer wakes up and calls her</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And when she gets home, Will blinks at the her— trying to figure out where their <em>child</em> is. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“They were sound asleep on the couch,” she sighs into his neck, wrapping her arms around him, “I didn’t have the heart to wake them up.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Are you in the mood for a movie that isn’t from Disney?” Will asks, and without hesitation she nods and they cuddle on the couch and enjoy a night with a movie that doesn’t bore them. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s not until six in the morning that Spencer blinks his eyes open, nearly startling before he realises Henry is still snoring against him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He glances around, slowly sitting up before picking up his phone. Spencer’s heart stutters to a stop upon seeing the missed calls. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The urge to be petty has long since left his body as he brings the phone to his ear— it goes unanswered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He crouches down in front of Henry, running a hand along his shoulder, “hey buddy, it’s time to get up.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It takes a few long moments of coaxing, and the promise to read to Henry once they get home, but he finally agrees to drive back home with Spencer. </span>
</p><p class="p2"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spence carries his godson— who had fallen back asleep— on his hip up to the door. He rings the doorbell, glancing down to ensure that the toddler was still conked out on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The door opens to reveal a very bleary JJ, and Spencer is incredibly glad to find that he and Garcia don’thave to become Henry’s primary caregiver.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Spence?” She mumbles, and he’s ninety percent confident he can hear will snoring in from the living room, “is everything okay?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer lets out the breath he was holding, “yeah, everything’s fine here— I just woke up and I realised that Henry was still at my apartment and there were a bunch of missed calls— I think— I just slept for like thirteen hours, by the way.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">She lets out a laugh when he yawns, adrenaline leaving his body with the sleepy huff that follows, “I don’t even remember falling asleep.”</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She rubs her face, and glances at Henry, her eyes softening, “Do you want to put him back to bed?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I promised him that I’d read to him,” He says, walking in when she opens the door a little wider.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They make their way to Henry’s bedroom, and Spencer stirs Henry awake enough for a quick story.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Once they’re done, JJ stops him at the doorframe, “Thank you, for bringing him back.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he blurts suddenly, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s okay,” she replies earnestly, “I got worried so I checked your apartment and I saw you guys and I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I might have to start borrowing him for sleepovers,” Spencer rubs his eyes before chuckling, “I can’t remember the last time I got more than five hours of sleep.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re more than welcome to, he loves you,” JJ sighs, glancing at her sleeping son, “Will and I tried to watch some horror film but I don’t think either one of us made it to the end.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They lapse into a soft silence, and JJ’s eyebrows crinkle, a frown forming, “I miss being able to talk to you like this. I’m <em>so</em> sorry.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer reaches forward, closing Henry’s door, before he starts speaking, “I can’t tell you I’m not still upset, because I am. It’s going to take me a while to fully trust you again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and my head is clearer. You have to understand where I’m coming from, </span>
  <span class="s1">right?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She nods, a tears beginning to slip down her cheeks, “yeah. I just miss you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Spencer just lets out a quiet sigh, wrapping his arms around her as she starts to cry. They stand there for a long time, Spencer just running his hand up and down her back soothingly as she cries.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“JJ,” He says softly, “it took me a while to decide that I still want you in my life, but I got there eventually. You just need to give me some room, the wound is just not quite healed yet.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She nods against his shoulder, pulling away. </span>
</p><p class="p2">“What?” He asks as she plays with the sleeves of Will’s hoodie, “what are you thinking about.”</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You called me JJ,” She breathes, “You haven’t called me JJ in weeks.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“<em>Oh</em>,” he blurts, dumbly, eyebrows furrowing.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So... we’re okay?” She inquires softly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Eh, <em>mostly</em>,” Reid states, tipping his hand back and forth. <br/>
<br/>
“Do you want to stay for breakfast?” She asks, but she knows the answer from the look in his eyes. <br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m just not there yet, Jayje,” He replies softly, and it’s clear that it hurts him as much as it hurts her, “but I will definitely watch Henry any time.”<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">”Good, good,” She nods, “he misses you.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">He just sends her a soft smile, before brushing past her, and out the front door. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok very last thing, im thinking about making a series about Spencer dealing with prentiss leaving, so please let me know what y’all think abt that. </p><p>xx bee</p></blockquote></div></div>
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